Reinvent Your Relationship

"Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide.
Voices trapped in yearning,
Memories trapped in time.
The night is my companion,
And solitude my guide.
Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?"
-- Sarah McLachlan ("Possession")

Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin ("Reconciliations") tells the story of James and Stanley, who were incompatible business partners. James and Stanley stayed together for years because they were both too resigned to the partnership as it was to do anything to change it.

This type of resignation happens to couples, too. They suffer along together, perhaps because sustaining the relationship is easier than facing the unknown. Some of us simply don't want to deal with the self-assessment that comes with exploring our relationships.

Although we're true to the relationship, we avoid being true to what Dr. Rubin calls the "person [we have] known longest of all" -- ourselves. Evaluating our relationships isn't always a negative thing. We often find the relationship is comfortable; we've reached a point when we feel more alive than ever when we're together. Things are peaceful, and this successful period is due to our own self-esteem. When we feel good about ourselves, other things work well, too.

Good relationships can get better. Challenging relationships need a dose of mutual caring, mutual help, and satisfaction in each other's healthy growth. Dr. Rubin notes relationships should bring feelings of comfort, when each partner has the freedom to express and share feelings.

If you don't have fun and experience closeness with your mate, it may be time to revive or reinvent your union. Start by accepting the responsibility for the problems, and talk openly about your future together.

If communicating is difficult for both of you, Dr. Rubin suggests bringing in a third person to help you look objectively at your relationship; someone who can help "analyze areas" and "cast light on blind spots."